Reasons for love
When trying to understand why we love someone, there are a few different avenues to go down. We could take a purely evolutionary approach and say it is to procreate and stay safe when child-rearing. Or, we could evoke the beautiful folk tales of the world and suggest that fate rules the heart. Perhaps we do have an invisible red thread tying us to our special person.
However, we think that there are many layers to it, and there is no one definite reason why we fall in love with someone. So, we are going to blend a bit of science with a bit of old-school romance to answer the question of why we love someone.
Biological explanations
It feels a little bit cynical to discuss chemicals and hormones when we are examining love and romance, but it needs to be done! The biology of love sheds light on what is going on under the surface when we fall for someone, and it turns out there is a lot going on!
In 2005, Helen Fisher and her team studied MRI images of those who were in love. They found that when the individuals were shown pictures of their significant other, their brains became active in regions rich with dopamine. Dopamine is a hormone that gets released when we have done something that feels good. It is kind of like our brain rewarding us! So, being in love makes us feel nice, according to biology. But that doesn’t really explain why we fall in love with specific people. If love is solely down to our brains making us feel good when we are with someone, wouldn’t we simply fall in love with the first person we date?
Maybe psychology can help?
Psychological explanations
Aron et al. suggested that there is a range of psychological reasons why we love someone. They put forward six attributes of love, which are:
- Similarity: We usually fall in love with someone who has the same beliefs, hobbies, and life attitudes as us.
- Propinquity: When we spend time with someone, we can fall in love with them.
- Desirable characteristics: We fall in love with people who we find attractive and who have traits we like.
- Reciprocal liking: We like people who like us.
- Social influences: We tend to find ourselves in romantic relationships that fit the social norm.
- Filling needs: We often fall in love with people who fill our needs, whether they be sexual or emotional.
These reasons for love make sense. For example, we can see the similarity attribute in couples we meet every day! We all probably know that couple who share a love of fitness and adventure and spend their weekends working out together. But so many of us are in relationships that don’t really hit these characteristics. For example, we may be falling in love with someone from another country. Or, perhaps our relationship does not fit the social norm. Some of the most famous love stories in history are famous because they challenged preconceptions about romance and defied family expectations. Romeo and Juliet, anyone?!
Psychology doesn’t fully explain love. So, where else can we turn to help us decode the magic of harmony and commitment?
Cultural explanations
A famous Chinese folktale suggests that we all have an invisible red cord tied around one of our fingers. The other end of this cord is tied around our soulmate’s finger, and we are destined to meet them and be together.
This folktale is a beautiful thought, and ideas like this are found throughout history. In Greek mythology, it was said that humans used to be androgynous beings with four arms and legs. Then, the god Zeus cut us in half to punish us for our pride, and it is up to us to reconnect with our other half.
In the modern age, these tales of destiny and soulmates are often dismissed. But could they explain why we fall in love with people who don’t have the attributes discussed in psychological explanations of love?
Maybe. When we are asked to describe the feeling of love, we often say that it just feels right. Something clicks when we are with the person we love, and perhaps that is because we have found our other half. The person we fall for has that inexplicable pull that may be explained through cultural and mythological explanations of love.
Putting it all together
Love is pretty complex, and there are loads of different reasons why we fall in love and stay in love with someone. Chemicals and hormones work alongside psychological factors, and then there is the alluring explanation of fate and soulmates that our favorite romantic films portray.
Perhaps love cannot really be explained by one simple theory. Perhaps for one couple, the psychological explanation makes sense, whereas another couple believes that their souls were destined to be together. Maybe we just need to embrace all the different theories on why we love someone and know that sometimes, it is okay not to have a definite answer.
What kind of people do I attract?
When we reflect on love and why we love someone, we often have that burning question in the back of our minds—what kind of people do I attract?
We are sure you have been there. You like someone, but they aren’t attracted to you. Or, maybe someone you really don’t like is after your heart, and you are pretty confused about why.
Remember how we discussed Aron et al. and the attributes of love? Reflecting on these can help you figure out what kind of people you attract and why. Perhaps your annoying coworker has asked you out on a date. You may feel pretty confused about it all, as you have nothing in common! However, this is the propinquity factor playing a key role. They are around you all the time, so feelings have started to grow.
You may also have the desirable characteristics that your coworker wants in a partner. If you are smart and funny, and they want those traits in a partner, they will be attracted to you!
Sometimes, we can feel down about constantly attracting the wrong type of person. But it’s important to remember that this is not a reflection on you and the vibes you are sending out into the universe. You are probably pretty easy to get along with, and this makes others develop feelings.
When you are journeying through life and love, never settle for someone who doesn’t feel right for you, even if they keep asking you out for a dinner date. The right person for you will come along; it just sometimes takes time. Keep being yourself, and never change who you are to attract a different kind of person!
Things to love about someone
To finish off, we want to celebrate the power of this wonderful feeling by looking at all the things to love about someone! Whether you are with someone special or looking for your perfect match, remembering all the reasons for having that deep and wonderful connection keeps our appreciation of love alive.
Their support
Does the person you love make you laugh when you are feeling sad? Do they always text you on their lunch break to check in on your day?
One wonderful reason why we love someone is the support they provide us with during the ups and downs of life. Having that one special person is like having a safety net below us at all times. Whenever we fall, they are there to catch us and help us back up again.
Their humor
The acronym GSOH (good sense of humor) is famous for being found in newspaper ads for lonely hearts since the 90s. Although personal ads are more popular online than in newspapers now, the desire to find someone who makes you laugh is still as strong as ever!
Whether sarcastic and dry or bubbly and loud, a person’s humor is a huge reason we love and fall for them.
Their attitude
Everyone sees the world through their own eyes, and their special point of view makes us love them even more. Your partner may always look on the bright side of life and know the importance of counting their blessings. This is a wonderful thing about them and a key reason why you love them!
Their uniqueness
Does your partner’s strange hobbies and quirks seem weird to others but make you feel all fuzzy inside? Perhaps you fell even more in love with them when they finally showed you their collection of 90s Magic: The Gathering cards?
The uniqueness of a person, including their personality traits and interests, makes us love someone and see how special they are.
