Since the dawn of time, humans have tried to understand the complexity of love. Love has influenced music, literature, science, and everything in between, with the greatest stories of romance known throughout the world. From the connection between Cleopatra and Mark Anthony, which reshaped politics, to the headline-grabbing Brangelina marriage and divorce, love has always had its claws in our hearts.
But what is love? Okay, that is a big question. The great philosophers and writers of the world have tried to answer it time and time again. Aristotle said that love ‘is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies,’ and according to Shakespeare, ‘love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.’
Of course, all these grand and poetic quotes about love are pretty nice. But we want to break it all down and explore why we fall in love, how we can keep love alive, and what it feels like to be in love. With a bit of biology, a bit of psychology, and a whole dose of good vibes, we can peel back the layers of love and figure out, for once and for all, what it is all about. Let’s get to it!
Decoding Love
Move over, Sherlock; we have a new detective in town, and it’s #Dating. We are here to follow the clues, look at the facts, and decode love. In this section, we will explore why people fall in love and how we can understand all those overwhelming feelings that come when we really really like someone.
Understanding your emotions
I am sure you have been there. You meet the hottest person on the planet, fireworks go off whenever they appear, and you worship the ground they walk on. All this drama can be love, but it can also be lust and infatuation. You can thank biology for this confusion – our minds love to reward us when we meet someone we can hook up with.
When we get to know someone, it is helpful to know the signs of infatuation and make the like vs. love distinction. You may be overwhelmed with hormones, chemicals, and excitement when you first meet someone, and you may even think that what you are feeling is love. But love is all about a deep, long-lasting connection, and it is pretty uncommon for that to occur straight away.
The attraction we feel when meeting someone special consists of two elements: lust and infatuation. Lust is the physical attraction we have toward someone, and according to Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers, it is caused by the release of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain. Then, we have infatuation, which is the excitement of potential romance and is defined by fantasy and idealistic ideas.
Of course, lust and infatuation often lead to love. But hold off saying the ‘I love you’s’ just yet. Those chemicals may cool down, and the reality of the person you are pining after may not be as amazing as you once thought.
Love defined
So, we know it isn’t lust and infatuation, but what is love? The American Psychological Association put forward a triangle of love theory, which consists of intimacy, passion, and commitment:
- Intimacy: An honest and deep connection where you share your thoughts and feelings with one another.
- Passion: A physical attraction that leads to romantic and sexual passion.
- Commitment: A desire to stay with the person and share your life with them.
The triangle of love is a pretty good definition, but there are different types of love to consider because humans are all so unique! For example, if you are asexual, you may not have the passion component of the triangle of love, as you do not have a physical attraction to the person you are with. This does not mean that your relationship is not full of love, companionship, and support.
Love changes and evolves over time, and many couples go through stages of love. From the tantalizing and heady days of the honeymoon phase to the more relaxed commitment phase, these stages are often defined by a mutual desire to create and share a life together.
When we want to define love, it is often helpful to explore what love isn’t. Sadly, many people fall into the trappings of toxic love, which lacks commitment, empathy, or respect. If your partner does not trust you, cheats on you, is aggressive towards you, and shows jealousy, this isn’t love. Feelings of love may be there, but the feelings of confusion, fear, and sadness negate the passion and connection you share. If this is the case, reconsider your relationship and put your mental and physical health first.
Why do people love each other?
When we meet someone, our initial connection is based on chemical attraction, shared interests, and our personal wants regarding a relationship. But how do people go from the dating stage to the love stage? Why do people love each other?
According to psychology, there are social and personal factors that make people love each other. In a 1989 study by Arthur Aron and his colleagues, he found that falling in love was defined by perceived similarities, propinquity (proximity), and desirable characteristics. So, if you hang out with someone who shares similar interests and beliefs to you, and they do all the nice things you like, you may just fall for them!
Of course, this doesn’t tell the whole story, and love can flourish without these characteristics. Paula Abdul sang about opposites attracting, and that is sometimes true (although we have always thought she needs to dump the guy for stealing the covers and making a mess. Opposites attract, but also like, respect your partner). Plus, people sometimes fall in love with someone from another country, and this shows that you don’t need to be in close proximity to someone to develop a long-lasting bond.
Love is complex, and there is really no answer to why you love someone. Sometimes, you just love them.
Recognizing the signs
For many of us, it can be difficult to know if we are in love with the person we are dating and if it is time to tell them and move on to the next stage of the relationship. Saying ‘I love you’ for the first-ever time is magical, but it is also pretty daunting. What if we aren’t actually in love? What if they don’t say it back? Or, what if like Andy in Parks and Recreation, they say, ‘That’s awesome sauce’ instead?
Now we know what love is, let’s turn our detective eye to recognizing love in a relationship. What feelings occur when we are in love, and what does it mean to love someone?
Explaining the feeling
The feeling of love is often said to be indescribable, but we are going to try anyway. We love a challenge, okay?! When we hear the question, ‘What does love feel like?’ a million emotions and thoughts come to our minds. From utter heartbreak to a drunk-like state of euphoria, love hits us right in the feels.
But when you want to identify your feelings toward someone and work out when you know you’re in love, there are a few things to consider. Remember how we discussed the triangle of love, which consisted of intimacy, passion, and commitment? Well, we can understand the feelings of love to be connected to these aspects. We feel a deep level of intimacy with the person we love and know that we can talk to them about whatever is on our mind. Here, feelings of trust and support are apparent, and we simply feel safe with the person we love.
Being in love can also lead to feelings of passion, which can be pretty wild! You want to be around them all the time and get giddy with excitement in their company. Chemicals are responsible for these feelings, with high levels of oxytocin and vasopressin creating that deep bond you feel with someone special.
The element of commitment also influences how you feel when you are in love. You feel totally comfortable with the person you are with and know that together, you are able to take on the world. You trust this person as much as you trust yourself and know you are on the same wavelength about the future and the path your love will take.
Signs that you’re in love
The feelings of love can be pretty overwhelming. Plus, we can sometimes confuse other feelings, such as lust, with love. So, what are the signs you’re in love? How do you know you love someone? Does the intimacy and passion you feel match up with the clues that you and this person are in love with each other?
One key sign that you are in love is reciprocal trust, support, and safety. You trust this person and feel completely at ease in their presence, and give you reasons to believe in the trust you are feeling.
The French poet Jean Cocteau once said, ‘There is no love, only proof of love,’ and we think he had a point! Yeah, these high, euphoric feelings of passion are great, but your actions and those of your partner are the most important things when you’re questioning how to know you’re in love. Do they listen to you when you are upset? Do they take the time to make your life easier, and do you do the same for them? The chemical, sexual, and biological aspects of love are great, but the emotional aspects of support and care turn this connection into committed and harmonious love.
But are there any signs you’re not really in love? Of course, no relationship is perfect, but there are some red flags to look for when trying to decide if you really love someone. When you experience boredom or feel indifferent towards your partner, they may not be the one. If you think you sacrifice your sexual needs to be with someone who is good on paper, you may not actually be in love. Perhaps you keep comparing them to your exes or crushes in your head, then there might be something wrong.
Oh, and thinking, ‘Am I not really in love?’ is not a good sign, either. Listen to your gut and never settle for a relationship that just doesn’t feel right.
Love in romantic relationships
So, you are in love, you have said it, they have said it back, and fireworks went off all around you! It’s a good thing you said it on New Year’s Eve, right?! Any other day, the pyrotechnic crew might not have shown up.
But to keep the love tip-top, you gotta work. Yeah, didn’t you know that saying I love you is actually the beginning of a long-term job? We joke – it isn’t really. It is more like a life-long holiday with your best mate. But still, there are things you need to do to keep that romance flowing and the love as good as it was in the honeymoon phase.
Now, we will turn our attention to romance and long-term love. How can you be more romantic, and what do you need to do to make that love last?
What is romance in the modern world?
So, what is romance? Back in the day, romance was standing below someone’s window and reciting poetry (according to Shakespeare), but nowadays, things are a little bit different. Firstly, you may get a noise complaint for yelling odes at your lover from a distance. Plus, it is the 21st century, and things have changed.
Romantic love is the showing of affection, support, and passion. However, there are various types of romance and it can look different for every relationship, depending on the bond you have and your common interests. Adventurous couples may show their romance by buying each other tickets to indoor skydiving, while food connoisseurs may spend their evenings cooking together to affirm their love.
At its core, showing romance is a way of showing you care for one another and are interested in what they are interested in. If you want to be more romantic in your relationship, reflect on what you love about your partner and how you can show this love to them. Romance involves affection, dedication, and thoughtfulness.
Oh, and sentimental stuff is always romantic. Perhaps you went ice skating on your first date. If so, making your partner a card depicting you ice skating together may be cute. Don’t worry if you aren’t that artistic—we think that it is the thought that counts!
Here are some of our favorite ways of being romantic in a relationship:
- Buying flowers. Okay, we know this is pretty cliche, but it is cliche for a reason! Who doesn’t love fresh flowers?!
- Write a love letter and send it to them through the post. Super cute, even if you live together!
- Plan a day date together around your city. Put it on a slideshow and send it to them—extra points for involving your favorite spots, such as where you first kissed.
- Tell them you love them when you can.
Surprise them with breakfast in bed or treats from their favorite bakery. Food is the language of love, right?! - Give them a massage. Light some candles, put on some calming music, and grab some scented body oil. It’s properly romantic and pretty sexy.
- Look for events and classes in your city that you can do together.
- Talk about your favorite memories together, and discuss the memories you wish to make.
- Learn your love languages and turn to them to show affection and romance.
- Create a relationship bucket list. What do you want to do with your partner in the next year or so? Be as bold and wild as you like – your future is how you create it.
- Celebrate each milestone.
How to stay in love with your long-term partner
So you have cracked the code of love and found someone you are totally in sync with. They always seem to say the right thing, and you share the same vision of the future. But because you are together all the time and those lusty hormones have settled down a bit, you may face the risk of your love turning into friendship.
To avoid the dreaded ‘housemates with occasional benefits’ relationship hole, you need to know how to stay in love. Of course, you sometimes fall out of love with the person you are with and simply need to call it quits. But if you know how to make a relationship last, you have the tools and information to maintain that long-term bond.
Firstly, let’s talk about talk. Every relationship blog and advice column tells you this, but it doesn’t make it any less true—communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. Through communication, you can discuss your worries and wants in your relationship and set expectations. However, you must make sure you are communicating in a healthy way.
Here are our tips on healthy communication:
- Listen to your partner carefully and with an open mind.
- Give your partner your full attention.
- Don’t criticize your partner.
- Use ‘I’ sentences instead of ‘you’ sentences.
- Take a time out when your conversation gets heated.
- Try to validate your partner’s feelings.
- Ask questions to understand your partner’s point of view.
As you settle down with your partner, dates and quality time may take a backseat to other obligations and responsibilities. Forgetting one-on-one time is a foolproof way to turn your romantic love into friendship, so you need to make sure you are focusing on your relationship and reconnecting on a romantic level.
Date nights and weekends away solidify your connection with your partner and give you the space to be with one another, away from the rest of the world.
If you need to rekindle a relationship, you may want to try out new experiences together. Variety is the spice of life, right? And it is also the spice of a relationship! If you and your partner tend to do the same thing week in and week out, it is time to shake things up and discover new things about yourself and your partner. Instead of going to that tapas restaurant you go to every date night, have a look at what else is on offer around you.
Have a think about things you have always wanted to do but never have. Perhaps it is time for you and your partner to go horse riding together or attend a pottery-making class. If it is good enough for Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, it is good enough for you!
What about long-distance relationships? We have you covered. There are so many fun virtual date ideas for you and your partner to try out, from online games to virtual museum tours. Thanks to the internet, love doesn’t have to fade just because there are miles of ocean between you and your partner.
Approaching love's challenges
Love is complicated, and you probably have loads of questions about romance, whether you are searching for your perfect match or in your dream relationship.
In this chapter, we are going to explore the challenges you may face when it comes to love and help you discover clarity in the murky matters of the heart.
Big feelings and big questions
Do you have questions? We have answers! We at #Dating live and breathe dating, and over the years, we have become quite the experts on the whole love thing. So, we want to answer all the big questions you have.
Let’s do this – interview style. You be Oprah, and we will be … the #Dating advice team!
Question: Can you love two people at the same time?
#Dating: Yes, you can be in love with two people at the same time. It isn’t uncommon for people to be in love with someone, such as their ex or their close friend, while also simultaneously falling in love with the person they are currently dating. Love is complicated, and certain feelings don’t go away.
Furthermore, there are many people who are in polyamorous relationships, which can manifest in many different ways. Some poly folks have multiple long-term partners that they love equally, whereas others have one main partner while also dating other people.
If you are in love with two people but aren’t into the whole polyamorous thing, don’t beat yourself up. You can’t control how you feel, but you can control your actions. Cheating is never cool, so do what you can to figure out which person is best for you and if your feelings towards one of them are actually love. Reflect on the triangle of love. Which relationship gives you intimacy, passion, and commitment?
Question: Why do I fall in love so easily?
#Dating: Falling in love causes feed-good hormones to be released in the brain, and you may be falling in love easily because you crave those chemicals. Yup, love can be addictive! But this isn’t the real reason you are falling in love easily. To determine that, you need to figure out why you crave the chemicals and the attention of someone else.
Low self-esteem, disappointment in other areas of your life, and attachment issues may cause you to fall in love quickly. People with an anxious attachment style often find themselves clinging to new romances and want to commit early on, as they are worried about rejection and abandonment.
We recommend working on yourself and learning how to love yourself to change your relationship patterns. Try to get to the root of the issue and turn to a therapist or counselor for help. You should also be aware of red flags to look out for in a relationship to keep you safe.
Question: How long does it take to get over someone you truly loved?
#Dating: According to Charlotte York (relationship expert and SATC queen), ‘It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.’ But, to be honest with you, we think Charlotte got it wrong here. Sorry!
Truthfully, recovering from a breakup is much more complicated than that, and everyone is different. Sometimes, it can take a month, and other times, it takes years. But there are some things you can do to speed up the process and get back on your feet. Throwing yourself in your hobbies, self-love, and self-care can help you overcome heartbreak.
Oh, and allow yourself to feel it. Give yourself the time and space to mourn the relationship you lost and work through the pain it left you.
Question: How do you get someone to fall in love with you?
#Dating: Okay, we know that the internet is full of tips and tricks on how to get someone to fall in love with you. But honestly, we think that the only thing you can do is to be yourself. Love is built on truth, authenticity, and a deep and meaningful connection. If the person doesn’t love you for who you are, the relationship will not last.
Question: What if you are in love with someone you can't have?
#Dating: Ouch, that is a toughie, but one many of us have faced. If you have fallen for someone you can’t have, you need to set boundaries to protect your heart. You may crave being constantly in their company, but this will only make matters worse.
Try to turn your attention to yourself, your hobbies, and the friends you have. Know that, in time, your feelings will fade.
Question: How do you respond to I love you?
#Dating: Well, do you love them back?! If so, you know what to say. Let your feelings be heard, and share the love.
But if you don’t know if you love them or not, there are still some things you can say to not totally ruin the mood. Simply saying, ‘I care so much about you‘ or ‘You mean a lot to me, too’ allows you to support their emotions without saying, ‘I love you’ back.
Everyone experiences love differently
With all this talk of love and the feelings of love, we need to highlight the fact that everyone experiences love differently. You may be reading all this information about lust and intimacy and fireworks and be wondering, ‘Why can’t I feel love?’.
Truthfully, love is unique to everyone who experiences it. Even though we try to define it through triangles, studies, and chemicals, we cannot totally express the feelings we have and the connections we share we others.
When we think about the relationships we see in our lives around us, we see many similarities between them but also many differences. Some couples live separately, and some have sex with other people. Some of us are asexual dating and don’t have a physical connection with those we are in love with. A bunch of us have multiple romantic partners and love them equally.
Love is a kaleidoscope, and we think that this is beautiful. Be true to yourself and how you feel love, and you will find happiness with a person who totally gets you.
