Mastering the Art of Dirty Talk

Couple in bed together mastering the art of dirty talk
Dirty talk: It’s a great way to liven things up in the bedroom. It can also be a great way to tease, or even explore new fantasies. But sometimes it’s hard to do. Just like approaching sexual health, this is not a one-size-fits-all concept. For some people, certain words are a huge turn-on. For others, saying the exact same thing is a major turn-off. Sometimes, your partner will tell you what they want to hear, but the way you say it doesn’t do it for them. What’s going on?

We’re going to do a deep dive into this concept. This article will show you what sexy talk can do for your relationship, how to find out your partner’s preferences, and ultimately how to talk dirty… at least to your boo.

The power of dirty talking

Couple standing outside wrapped in each other's arms

Aside from being hot, what can dirty talk do for a relationship? When done right, talking dirty can:

  • Enhance sexual connection
  • Create anticipation for sex
  • Strengthen communication around sex
  • Unlock fantasies
  • Boost confidence

Clearly, sexual conversations are great for couples. File that away under “duh.”

Why people are afraid to try dirty talk

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So with all of these benefits, why doesn’t everyone do it? The internet is full of stories from people around the world that show us how dirty talking doesn’t always go to plan.

From feeling totally cringeworthy to killing the mood for the night with an awkward choice of words totally killed the mood for the night, trying out dirty talking for the first time can be nerve-wracking.

You have to face your fear of embarrassment and be vulnerable! Sure, you might say something stupid and it might be hard to know what to say in the moment but if you’re interested in trying it, keep on reading.

How to talk dirty

Two men lying in bed together and holding hands

Having sexual conversations can be difficult. How do you actually do it?

Effective dirty talk requires both intimacy and confidence. First, you need to know what turns your partner on. This can be difficult. Most people have no clue how to say when they actually want – especially when it comes to something as intimate and vulnerable as sex.

When you are first sexually exploring with a partner, it’s safer to start slow and sensual rather than rough. This can be confusing because most porn depicts dirty talk as degrading. Porn tends to focus on degrading words. There are a LOT of women who would rather have their sexuality honored if they are sharing such an intimate moment with you.

Saying something like “I love the way you move,” is a much safer bet than “Oh yeah, I bet you like that, b*tch!” Most people who actively want to be verbally degraded will tell you. 

So when in doubt, go with praise. Once you have an idea of what to say, you need to be confident enough to say it. Confidence requires trust. If you cannot trust your partner to take an unsexy comment in stride, it creates a lot of anxiety.

So in order to overcome the awkwardness and have good dirty talk, first you need to build trust and intimacy. How do we build that?

It’s all about communication

Woman laying on a bed smiling up at her partner who is looking lovingly into her eyes

If we could just give you lines (and don’t worry, we will) this would be easy. But as we’ve stated before, this is not a one-size-fits-all concept. Some things that don’t work for some people could work on a partner who understands the backstory and likes a bit of humor in the bedroom.

A lot of relationship advice boils down to “communicate!” However, sexual talking can be really difficult. To make it easier, it’s best to bring it up as pillow talk. When you’re cuddling after intimacy, you can say something like “So, I’ve been thinking about…[fantasy]” and see how they react.

You can also ask them directly, “What’s your fantasy?” Do be aware, not everyone can directly answer this question. Still, if you empathically listen at this moment, you’re still showing your partner you are a safe person to talk to. Not every conversation will have a resolution. Some are simply about establishing comfort.

Still, talking about sex is hard. If you’re struggling with words, you might want to practice your observation skills. To check your observation skills, answer the following questions:

  • Think about a particularly hot intimate moment. What was happening? What factors do you think made it so hot?
  • What turns your partner off?
  • Do they watch porn or read erotica? What themes do they usually enjoy in their sexual media?
  • Is there a celebrity or character your partner thinks is hot? What do they like about them?
  • What does your partner think is sexy about themselves? Do they like certain parts of their body, or do they prefer to be known for other attributes?
  • What does your partner not like about themselves? Do they respond positively when you say nice things about it or do they prefer you ignore it completely?

By answering these questions, you’ll get a clearer picture of what turns your partner on, no talking necessary!

If you’re both shy about sexual talking, consider using an online sexual compatibility test. This way, you can both fill out what you like in private. The quiz will show you where you overlap.

Also remember: dirty talk can happen outside the bedroom. If you’re one of those people who gets tongue-tied in the moment, consider trying it through text. While your partner is away, or even in the other room, getting a message about what you want to do to them can drive them crazy. Even a suggestive photo with a caption can do the trick.

Still, talking about sex is hard. If you’re struggling with words, you might want to practice your observation skills. To check your observation skills, answer the following questions:

  • Think about a particularly hot intimate moment. What was happening? What factors do you think made it so hot?
  • What turns your partner off?
  • Do they watch porn or read erotica? What themes do they usually enjoy in their sexual media?
  • Is there a celebrity or character your partner thinks is hot? What do they like about them?
  • What does your partner think is sexy about themselves? Do they like certain parts of their body, or do they prefer to be known for other attributes?
  • What does your partner not like about themselves? Do they respond positively when you say nice things about it or do they prefer you ignore it completely?

By answering these questions, you’ll get a clearer picture of what turns your partner on, no talking necessary!

If you’re both shy about sexual talking, consider using an online sexual compatibility test. This way, you can both fill out what you like in private. The quiz will show you where you overlap.

Also remember: dirty talk can happen outside the bedroom. If you’re one of those people who gets tongue-tied in the moment, consider trying it through text. While your partner is away, or even in the other room, getting a message about what you want to do to them can drive them crazy. Even a suggestive photo with a caption can do the trick.

Dirty talk examples

Couple cuddling in bed together and smiling

There are a lot of situations where you use dirty talk. We like to break it down into a few different categories. They are anticipation building, commands, appreciation, and re-igniting memories. Let’s see examples in all of these categories.

Anticipation Building:

  • I can’t wait to have my way with you tonight.
  • I’m throbbing hard.
  • I’m dripping wet and not wearing any panties.
  • I am dying to feel your lips on my skin.
  • I need your body.
  • Be ready to play when you get here.
  • Wear that [item of clothing] I like.
  • When you get home, I’m going to explore every inch of your body.

Commands:

  • Oh yeah, just like that.
  • Slow down, I want to feel every inch of you inside me.
  • Harder!
  • Kiss my [body part].
  • Play with my [body part].
  • Turn around.
  • Do me from behind.
  • Say my name.
  • Look me in the eyes while you finish.
  • Don’t you dare stop now.
  • I want to hear you moan.
  • Play with yourself while I watch.
  • Bend over.
  • Spank me, I’ve been a naughty girl.
  • Call me “Daddy.”

Appreciations:

  • Your body is amazing.
  • You do that so well.
  • It drives me crazy when you do that.
  • I love your [body part].
  • It turns me on hearing you moan.
  • Your [body part] feels incredible.
  • I love it when you…

Re-igniting Memories:

  • I can’t stop thinking about your [body part].
  • I keep thinking about the time we…
  • Every time I think of you, I get wet/hard.
  • I am longing for your touch.

Do’s and don’ts of dirty talking

Woman lying on top of a man in bed looking deep into each other's eyes

Now that you’ve read some examples for inspiration, here are some guidelines for how to do it well.

Do:

  • Play with different voices or tones.
  • Look for sources of inspiration beyond porn. Great examples can be found in song lyrics and erotica.
  • Focus on praise rather than degradation. Most people with that kink will specifically ask.
  • Talk about fantasies or take an online sexual compatibility test to find mutual desires.
  • Know what words your partner likes to call their body, especially their genitals.
  • Be willing to laugh off an awkward phrase.

 

Don’t:

  • Jump straight in with degrading names. Even though this is super common in porn, many people don’t like it. You should only call someone degrading names in bed if you have confirmed outside of the bedroom that they like it.
  • Be afraid to try something silly. Sometimes being able to laugh during sex enhances intimacy.
  • Try anything that feels wrong to you. Even though we all want to be the best lover possible for our partner, your authenticity matters during intimacy.

Talk dirty to me!

Dirty talk can greatly enhance your sex life. It can also be hard. A good rule of thumb is to start off with sensual statements focusing on praise. It can open doors to deeper sexual conversations.

But there’s one last thing that’s important to remember. A loving partner will still care for you, even if you say something awkward in bed.

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