One popular online dating question in today’s digital world is how to get to know someone over text. Knowing how much texting is too much or not enough can benefit a new relationship. You want to show interest in your match without seeming overenthusiastic.
Chatting with someone through text can be confusing if you aren’t sure what’s the right amount. While your parents and grandparents may not have had the convenience of digital messaging, this instant communication tool we use daily can be beneficial to the progression of your relationship when following some simple guidelines.
It’s all about finding the right balance of give and take when chatting with your match. Adrian Aguilera, a clinical psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, reports some interesting results from a study published in the journal Professional Psychology: Research and Practice.
He found that text messages, even short, automated ones help boost an individual’s mood. If you are the type of person that enjoys receiving a Good Morning or Good Night text during the day, you aren’t alone. These small gestures can make an individual feel supported and cared for with just a few simple words.
Therefore, texting has its time and place with every couple.
How much texting is too much?
Your idea of too much texting may differ significantly from your match’s perception. But there are ways to get started on the right foot when you begin to connect with someone digitally.
One of the best ways to communicate openly with a match is to discuss texting frequency. For example, if you are a serial texter and the other person rarely uses their phone, there can be a disconnect between you both at the beginning.
ReGain, a website run by BetterHealth, provides relationship texting guidance and covers many different scenarios to work out the frequency of texting that will fit you and your match. While some may like a quick message every day, others
Texting between matches can occur daily or way less often, giving the other person time and space to answer without pressure. If you text every day or multiple times in a day without allowing the recipient to answer, try to slow down and wait for your match to answer.
Do you text too much?
If you send three or four messages without a response from your match, it can come across as intense for those less active texters. Additionally, you may heighten your anxiety if you text your partner too often and worry while waiting for a response.
Do you text too little?
Does it seem like your match always sends you a message to initiate the conversation? The texting dynamic should work both ways rather than only one person keeping it going. Too little texting can give your match the impression that you aren’t interested or too busy for them.
If you only reach out to your match once a week or less, they may believe you are disinterested, even if you aren’t.
There should be some back and forth with each person taking turns to start a conversation. If you never start the ball rolling and wait for the other person, it could be time to shoot off a message more often.
How to find the right balance
Finding the right balance between texting and talking is critical as you begin a new connection.
Share your texting habits with your match and explore their phone habits. For example, tell them that you may text more often if you have a bad day at work or if something exciting happens. This information can give them a head’s up that you aren’t as chatty as it may sometimes appear.
Alternatively, let your match know if you aren’t a big texter. Then, they understand you may not respond immediately, or your messages may be shorter than average. However, some couples like to send a quick note to say good morning or good night each day.
Ideally, a text relationship should have time for responding between messages. This timeline gives each person space and will help keep the conversation going until you can meet. Remember that every relationship is unique, and you should do what feels right.
How to keep a conversation going through text
One of the more challenging elements of texting in communication is maintaining the conversation. Although not everyone is a natural conversationalist, texting can improve your communication.
Knowing how to keep a conversation going can maintain a solid connection with your match until you can spend time together in person. So, what’s the best way to approach texting? Here are some tips to use with your partner.
- Think of some questions to ask to keep the conversation going. Avoid questions that the receiver can use one-word answers. You want them to be descriptive and tell you a story or some personal details so you can get to know them better.
- Do not ignore texts from your match or leave them on read status for days. Although you don’t want to seem like you are available at any time, you can send a quick note like, I’m just at the grocery store right now; I’ll message you back when I have a chance.
Ideally, you want your texting relationship to progress to then talking on the phone and seeing them in person. Some people can be terrific at sending witty and intelligent messages making it look easy. If you find meeting someone in person awkward at first, digital messages can be a terrific way to practice before being face-to-face.
Why texting is bad for communication
Open communication is vital for a relationship. Talking things out can help you learn about your match and solidify your bond as a new couple. However, digital messages can be challenging for many people.
Texting is essentially words with the tone removed. How one perceives a message can be drastically different than its intention, creating unnecessary confusion. Without using descriptive and clear messages, a receiver can misinterpret texts. Therefore, it’s helpful to send concise texts and steer away from vague messages.
For couples already in a relationship, communicating through text is beneficial, to a point. Someone who may text every detail of their day to their partner will have less to share once you meet in person. Ideally, you should reserve large conversations for your next face-to-face meeting but checking in daily and coordinating schedules for your next date is perfect to keep communication going.
How long should the talking stage last
Although there is no hard rule about the texting and talking phases of new relationships, these guidelines can help you determine what could be a reasonable timeline for you and your match.
Texting is a great way to start a connection and can last two or three weeks or more, depending on your message frequency with your match.
Talking and texting
Talking on the phone and through digital chat messages may be a regular occurrence for two or three months before you take the leap and meet in person.
Of course, circumstances such as work hours, family engagements, or other commitments may extend the time you and your match talk before having that first meeting. If texting and talking is working for you both, your dates should follow naturally.
However, there are ways to help move things along while being a respectful texter. Some key elements to keep in mind are:
- Don’t ghost your match by ignoring them and disappearing.
- Avoid constantly sending overbearing messages that demand in-depth responses.
- Refrain from giving an ultimatum, such as meet me or it’s over.
Ways to get out of the talking void
Thankfully, there are successful ways to boost your connection from exclusively texting and talking. You can try these helpful tips if you feel stuck with your match and want to progress to face-to-face dates.
- Use phrases like, I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you and can’t wait to see you in person.
- Invite them to a local ice cream parlor or coffee shop after work.
- Ask them to join you in group activities like a neighborhood barbeque.
How to be a great texter
Jumping back into the dating game can be challenging if you have been away for a long time. If you are new to the digital dating scene, knowing some chatting etiquette can ensure you come across as respectful and attentive.
Here are some methods you can use to be a great texter.
- Don’t just talk about yourself. Remember also to ask your match some interesting questions about them.
- Avoid sending racy photos of yourself to get their attention. Intimate pictures can put someone off, especially within the first couple of weeks of messaging.
- Give your match time to respond to your texts. Refrain from sending three or four messages because they aren’t answering your original text.
- Try to mirror their input. If someone gives you two or three sentences, don’t respond with paragraphs of text. Match their energy for a more positive vibe.
In addition, with thoughtful questions, you can use digital chatting to help determine if you two are compatible before progressing to in-person dates. Think of texting as a sneak peek of your first date, which can help you relax when you meet face-to-face.