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Can You Love Two People at the Same Time? A Guide to Polyamory

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Discussions around polyamory and non-monogamous relationships have hit the mainstream in recent years. From reality TV shows like Couple to Throuple which follows couples looking to add a new person into their relationship to The Sims, aka the biggest-selling life simulator game releasing a polyamory update, it feels as if everyone is open to opening up! 

Although polyamory isn’t new, the way society accepts and sometimes celebrates it is. But what is love, and can you love two people at the same time? Plus, what is it really like to have a relationship with multiple partners at the same time? 

What is polyamory?

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Polyamory refers to non-monogamous relationships where those involved have agreed to have romantic and/or sexual connections with others. Consent is a huge part of this relationship style. Everyone involved must know and be comfortable with what is going on. People in polyamorous relationships have aspects of love, such as commitment, passion and intimacy, with one or more people. 

However, this general explanation of polyamory does not give justice to the diverse dating styles of ENM (ethical non-monogamous) couples. Every ENM relationship is different, and they often have their own unique rules and boundaries to follow. 

We can break down the broad umbrella term of polyamory more to learn about all the different styles couples explore together! Here are some styles of polyamory that many people across the world practice. However, this is not a definite guide! The world of polyamory and open relationships is vast, and many couples define their situation in their own way. 

Classic polyamory

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Classic polyamory refers to couples or groups that build more than one romantic and sexual relationship. These relationships are usually long-term and committed, with neither partnership being more important than the other. Classic polyamory can involve loving two people at the same time and having a happy relationship with both.

For example, someone who is polyamorous may have two boyfriends that they love equally. They may split their time between them or hang out all together. They will have the three characteristics of commitment, intimacy and passion in both relationships. They may refer to their situation as a ‘polycule’, which refers to the unique bond they all share.

Hierarchical poly

Hierarchical poly refers to situations where people prioritize one person they are seeing over the others. This person is usually referred to as their primary partner. Although they are more committed and intimate with their primary partner, they will still have levels of commitment to the other people they are seeing. 

Throuple

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A throuple refers to three people who are all involved in a sexual and romantic relationship. There is equality in their situation, and everyone shares the same level of commitment, passion and intimacy. 

Open relationship

An open relationship is when a couple agrees to date other people. They usually see their relationship as the most important, and emotional connections with others may be limited. 

Many couples in open relationships have their own set of rules and boundaries that they discuss in depth. They may have boundaries regarding how often they can see the other people they are dating and when and where these connections happen.

Monogamish

Couples in a monogamish relationship are usually monogamous but are open to new connections. These new connections are casual and may happen very occasionally. The flexibility in a monogamish relationship means that if they wish to hook up with someone, they can. However, they may not seek out romantic relationships with others.  

This is the most difficult stage in the relationship, but you are able to work with your partner to overcome it. Again, honest and open communication allows you to manage the problems that come with the uncertainty stage.

Now is the time to accept the flaws in your partner that were previously hidden during the honeymoon stage and work on compromising together to make love flourish.

Practicing polyamory

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If you want to open up your relationship or explore polyamory, there are a few things to bear in mind as you do so! Here are our tips on navigating a polyamorous relationship so you and your partners can thrive.

Communication

Communication is a vital part of any relationship, and ethical non-monogamy relies on open and honest discussions surrounding dating and sex. If you have a primary partner, make sure that you discuss your feelings and desires and listen to theirs. Ensure that you are both enthusiastic and consenting before exploring connections with others.  

However, it is not just your primary partner you must communicate well with! You need to be transparent about your situation with whoever you are dating to avoid hurt feelings. 

Discussions surrounding sexual health are extremely important if you are having sex with more than one person. Make sure everyone involved agrees to regular STI check-ups and effective protection. 

Establish boundaries

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Every ENM relationship has established boundaries that everyone is aware of and consents to. These boundaries ensure that everyone feels safe and comfortable and avoids any misunderstandings. 

Boundaries in an ENM relationship include:

  • The time you spend with your connections, either outside of your primary partner or within your polycule.
  • The type of sexual encounters you are open to. 
  • If you are open to more than one emotional connection.
  • Physical boundaries, such as cuddling, kissing and sleeping over.
  • The people who are off limits in your arrangement. 

It is essential to spend time reflecting on your boundaries and what makes you feel good or upset. Never go along with something just because you want to please someone else. You also need to be specific when discussing your boundaries! By exploring all possibilities with your partner or partners, you are ready to navigate whatever your relationships throw at you.

Have regular check-ins

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Relationships change over time. Your feelings or your partner’s feelings towards your situation may evolve, meaning regular check-ins are important to ensure everyone is comfortable. 

You must check in with everyone involved, not just your primary partner. Discuss your feelings with your partners and listen to theirs. Being open and honest about your needs, fears and desires will allow your polyamorous relationship to flourish and stay strong. 

Potential challenges in polyamory

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Polyamory can seem exciting, and it usually is! But, it is essential to consider the potential challenges in store for you before diving into the world of non-monogamy. Whether you are single or in a relationship, being aware of the possible difficulties of non-monogamy allows you to get the most out of your romantic and sexual life.

Jealousy

If you live in a Western society, you have probably grown up in a culture that celebrates monogamy and holds marriage as the pinnacle of romance. This is often referred to as mononormativity, which suggests that society expects monogamy to be the norm. 

Growing up in a mononormative society means that we have been programmed to be jealous and upset when someone we love has a sexual experience with someone else. So, even though we want to be non-monogamous, we can still experience difficult feelings regarding our partners seeing other people. 

If feelings of jealousy arise in a non-monogamous relationship, it is important to work through them both by yourself and with your partner. Reflect on why these feelings have arisen and explore your worries. Are you concerned about your partner leaving you for someone else? Or, maybe it is simply the thought of them being intimate with another person causing you to get upset. 

Allow yourself to feel the jealousy and know that, like any other emotion, it will pass. However, it must be said that extreme feelings of jealousy may suggest that non-monogamy is not for you! Trust your gut and ensure you are staying true to your needs. 

Conflicting schedules

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We know it doesn’t sound sexy, but time management and scheduling are important aspects of polyamory. Think about it—you are dating more than one person, have other responsibilities and need to ensure you have me-time to relax and recuperate! 

If you have a primary partner, you may benefit from scheduling date nights with them before planning anything else with the other people you are seeing. If you are classically polyamorous and do not have a primary partner, see if you can get into a rhythm with your partners to ensure you are spending enough time with everyone.

It is important not to keep score in polyamorous relationships. For example, if one of your partners has spent a weekend with their other partner, don’t demand that they spend the whole of the next weekend with you. Be flexible with your partners and know that sometimes, they may spend more time with other people. 

Misunderstandings

Like any relationship, a polyamorous one can suffer if there is a lack of honest and open communication. Misunderstandings surrounding boundaries, consent and expectations can cause hurt feelings, so you must ensure that you are having regular, constructive conversations with your partners.

If misunderstandings do arise, never keep your emotions to yourself. Doing this will only breed resentment. Your partner probably didn’t set out to hurt you, and they will want to know how you are feeling!

So… Can you love two people at the same time?

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More and more people are exploring polyamory and non-monogamous relationships with exciting results! A traditional monogamous relationship is not for everyone, and we have the power to define our own style of dating and love. 

So, can you love two people at the same time? Well, we think so! The world of polyamory proves that it is possible to love two people and form more than one healthy and fulfilling relationship.

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