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8 Ways to Stop Being in Love with Someone You Can’t Have

A couple embraces in a vibrant field, symbolizing love and unity against a backdrop of natural beauty.

Being in love with someone you can’t have often feels like the world is ending. Everything you see reminds you of them, and happy couples in love make you feel sick. Yeah, unrequited love is hard. 

Most people have experienced loving someone they can’t have at one point in their lives. Whether they are already in a relationship and discover an intense connection with someone else (think Laura and Alec in Brief Encounter) or are in a one-sided romance, the power of love can destroy even the strongest of us. 

But, to know how to stop being in love with someone you can’t have, you need to know what love is and why we sometimes fall for people who don’t feel the same way as we do. 

Why we fall in love with people we can’t have

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So, what is love, and why do we find ourselves pining after people who don’t even look at us twice? According to biologist Enrique Burunat, love is a physiological motivation, just like hunger. So, when we fall in love with someone, we crave them. We kind of like this explanation of love when it comes to unrequited love. It definitely feels like hunger or thirst when we can’t have someone we really want, and it explains why we sometimes can’t rationalize our feelings towards our crush. We know the relationship won’t go anywhere, but our heart aches for them. Interestingly, psychology suggests that being unable to have someone makes us want them even more. This is due to the ‘scarcity effect,’ which suggests we value things more when they are harder to obtain. So, when we find out we can’t be with someone, our crush gets ten times worse. Thanks, brain. Oh, and we may find ourselves falling in love with people we can’t have because we are scared of real love. If you have an insecure attachment style, you may find it difficult to form deep bonds with other people. This means that unrequited love is an easier option for you. Instead of going after a genuine connection, you feel safer loving from a distance (and dwelling in the heartbreak).

How to stop being in love with someone you can't have

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Are you in a long-term relationship but have feelings for someone else? Do you have a crush on your married coworker and can’t seem to get them off your mind? Well, we are here to help you untangle yourself from the pain of unrequited love! Here are our top tips on how to get over someone you were never with and can’t have.

Feel your feelings

There is no use pretending you don’t feel this way. You really like your crush, and no matter how much denying you do, the feelings will still be there!

Reflect on why you are feeling so strongly for this person. Do you actually love them, or are you more in love with the idea of a relationship with them? It is helpful to think about what you like about them and identify those traits in other people you know. Your crush may feel pretty special right now, but we assure you that you can find someone else just as good!

Give yourself the space and time to grieve the relationship you are craving. Allow yourself to cry, snuggle in your bed, eat chocolates, and watch your favorite movies!

Place boundaries and stick to them

In a professional environment, a man and woman in business attire share a moment of setting boundaries.

A horrible kind of unrequited love is when the crush leaves little hints of romance without really wanting it. They know you like them and feed off that affection. But, they have no desire actually to be with you. They may text you late at night when they want some attention. Or maybe they will give you an extra long hug when you are finally getting over them, just to reel you back in again. 

Setting and maintaining boundaries is vital to overcoming someone you can’t have. The boundaries you set may be about how much you message them or how often you see them. But remember, you need to stick to your boundaries! Basically – ignore that ‘you up’ text!

Focus on yourself

Wanting what you can’t have often feels all-consuming. But what do you have? To get over your crush, reflect on all the good in your life and the fantastic things you do on your own!

You may benefit from throwing yourself into your career to distract yourself from loving someone you can’t have. Or, maybe you will thrive by doing things you really enjoy. Write, paint, and go hiking outdoors. Do what makes you feel good!

Oh, and being creative is great for processing your emotions! Some of the best books ever written were probably created after unrequited love. Who knows, you could be the next Brontë! 

Spend time with your friends and family

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Your friends and family are there to support you, so reach out to them for help. When you are feeling heartbroken, you probably don’t really want to see anyone. However, being social is exactly what you should do in order to get over someone you can’t have. 

Talk to your friends and family about how you are feeling to get things off your chest. Talking things through can really help you process your feelings and move on. However, you don’t need to just chat about heartbreak! Have fun with your loved ones, and let them make you laugh. Things will feel lighter for it. 

Protect your emotions

If you have feelings for a friend or coworker, it can be hard to avoid them. You may also worry about seeming rude if you stop wanting to hang out or chat! But it is super important to protect your emotions when you have feelings for someone you can’t have. 

Protecting your emotions means avoiding situations that may cause you to feel upset. Perhaps your crush has invited all their friends (including you) out for dinner to celebrate their birthday. You know that their partner will be there, and you are probably feeling pretty stressed about attending. 

It is okay to put yourself first and decline the invite. You don’t need to explain anything to your crush! Do what you can to protect your heart. 

Reflect on patterns

A woman with crossed arms sits atop a hill, reflecting peacefully while enjoying the serene landscape around her.

Sometimes, unrequited love is less about the object of our affection and more about us. Remember how we talked about attachment styles influencing our connections with others? Well, if you keep finding yourself falling in love with people you can’t have, it may be time to do some inner work to determine the cause. 

Are you latching onto one-sided relationships because you are afraid of real love? Do you fear intimacy with someone? Are you worried about being let down or rejected by others, so go after people you can’t have to save yourself from potential heartbreak?  

If so, take time to work out your attachment style and reflect on your self-esteem. Understanding your patterns when it comes to love will help you develop healthy, balanced relationships with others. 

Know you are worthy of love

Rejection and unrequited love hurts a lot. You may feel as if you will never find true love and think that you are not worthy of a proper relationship. But you should never give up on love and know that your perfect person will come into your life when the time is right.

Turn your attention to your future, and remember that there are so many new people you are yet to meet! Reflect on anything you have learned from your current situation. Do you feel more sure about what you actually want from a relationship?

Show yourself love

A woman with a towel on her head enjoys a warm cup of coffee, exuding a relaxed morning vibe.

Being in love with someone you can’t have often knocks your confidence. So, make sure you are giving yourself the time for self-love and self-care as you navigate your crush. Doing so will help you feel more comfortable in yourself and make you realize that the love you give yourself is just as good as the love other people can!

Here are our favorite ways of practicing self-love:

Write down all the things you love about yourself.

  • Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small you think they are.
  • Practice positive self-talk.
  • Do things you enjoy.
  • Pamper yourself.
  • Take yourself out on dates.
  • Try to have an hour a day just for you.
  • Create a playlist of uplifting and positive songs.
  • Talk about your feelings to trusted friends and loved ones.

You can heal from unrequited love

A professional woman in a suit confidently poses against a vibrant pink background, exuding strength and style.

Being in love with someone you can’t have is a really difficult situation, but you have the power to heal and grow. Our tips on getting over someone you can’t be with allow you to put your focus on yourself and navigate these challenging emotions. 

If you have realized that you have patterns regarding unrequited love, know that you have the ability to change your behavior in order to make informed and healthy decisions regarding love. You have got this, and you will end up with a person who is perfect for you!

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